


Randomness

by orphan_account



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: All the elders are massive McPriceley shippers, Find the elephant, I never meant to make it such a mess, I'm sorry for this, Poptarts is a fast and fierce eater, This is nothing like my other fics, Why am I writing like this now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-04 02:51:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13354941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I'm sorry guys this is just a shitpostI'm posting this before I become sane again





	1. The Absolute Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen

**Author's Note:**

> Two things:
> 
> Please PLEASE PLEASE read until the end since it might be offensive if you don't idk
> 
> The end may traumatize you get some tissues ready

The doctor looked at him sympathetically after telling him.

Kevin Price almost screamed his head off.

He didn't for obvious reasons and his head stayed on, but he did scream. Loud.

The doctor probably wanted to send him to a psychiatrist, but Kevin absolutely refused and there was no psychiatrist within the 300 mile radius, anyway.

He trudged back to the mission hut, numb. Every step he took became smaller and smaller and slower and slower until he wasn't moving at all, and he just sort of stood there, trying to make the situation seem a little better. The more he thought about it, the worse it seemed.

Elder Poptarts was just getting started on his fourth Poptart when he noticed Elder Price standing there.

“Hey, Elder Price, you okay there?”

He got no answer, so he shrugged and went back to his strawberry Poptart.

Suddenly, Elder Price started sprinting towards the door that led to the bathroom. And then he stopped again.

At this point, Elder Poptarts was in the middle of his fifth Poptart and was very, very disturbed. He was just about to call for Elder McKinley to do something, anything so he could enjoy his Poptarts in peace, when Elder Price dashed into the bathroom, slammed the door hard, and clicked the lock.

Well. That was interesting.

After about twenty minutes, he was finished his unfrosted poptart (They are an abnomination to Poptarts)(But those were the only ones he has left and it's better than no poptart) and was just brushing the crumbs from his pants when Elder McKinley walked in.

He was red. Very, very red, every redder than the one time he forgot to put on sunscreen.

“Do you know where Elder Price is, Elder Poptarts?”

His tone was harsh, which meant that Elder McKinley wasn't blushing because he was about to ask Price out like everyone hoped he would, but because he was mad. Mad as in “I will explode like a tiny red-headed volcano if you don't come explain yourself right now and I probably still will after you explain yourself” mad.

He debated within himself for about a second, but he decided to be nice. But not to Price.

“Yeah, he's in there.”

His face became even redder than it was before, and Elder Poptarts was impressed. He plopped down on the couch, making it clear he was not leaving until he had a word with Price. Just for good measure, he screamed to the door, “There's no use hiding, Elder Price! I am not leaving this spot until you tell me what in the world is going on!”

“What's going on?”

The rest of the elders jumbled in from the door, except for Elder Davis. He didn't jump in from the window either, like he did before. He was asleep, and nothing could ever wake Elder Davis until he was satisfied, not even a elephant stepping on him.

The other elders, however, had heard Elder McKinley’s war cry and had come to watch.

“What'd Elder Price do this time?”

“Did he break something again?”

“I bet he put all the food on the high shelves.”

“Ooh, remember what Elder Poptarts did to him after that?”

Nobody had dared to touch those Poptarts ever again after that.

“Elder McKinley, what happened?”

“We were walking to the hospital…”

“Right, if you can call it that.”

“...and Elder Price goes in there looking terrified, and I'm confused because he looks perfectly normal. And then I'm waiting in the waiting room for forever until I ask the doctor, and he tells me that Elder Price has already left a while ago. A while ago!”

“Wow.”

Elder Poptarts knew his input wasn't probably going to be appreciated, but he put it in anyway.

“Guys, what if it's something … bad?”

“What is?”

“You know, the thing that Elder Price probably has!”

Elder McKinley looked like he was going to faint.

The other elders looked around at each other, looking like _ooh, I never even thought about that. Uh oh._

“Guys, there are razors in there.”

“Elder Poptarts!”

“I'm serious. I don't want to be morbid, but what if … ?”

“... he hasn't come out in a while, has he?”

“...”

Elder McKinley broke the silence.

“Elder Price! Are you still in there!”

There was a moment of silence, and everybody feared the worst.

Then, “Yes I'm still here. What do you want?”

Everybody was relieved, because they were sure people who were about to commit suicide did not sound that annoyed.

Everybody, except for Elder McKinley.

“Elder Price, please … please put the razor down.”

“I can't.”

The elders that were getting the extra cake to celebrate froze in their tracks,

“I have to do this, Elder McKinley. I have to.”

“Elder Price!”

After that, he didn't respond. Elder McKinley turned to the others.

“I'm getting the key.”

“You have a key? To the bathroom??”

“Now isn't the time for this. Elder Price is dying!”

He rushed to his room. He tried to snatch the key from where it was hanging, on his cork board, but it's string was snagged on the little pin thing. He tugged at it desperately hoping, praying he wouldn't be too late. Because if he was too late … if he had to live in a world without Kevin Price … At last, the pin popped out onto the floor and the key was free.

He rushed back downstairs and shoved the key in the lock. It was rusty and took a few tries, but it opened.

What he saw … what he saw almost broke him. Behind him, the other elders all gasped, and Elder Neeley let a silent tear trickle down his face.

Elder Price was in there, with a razor in hand, face twisted, tears on his cheeks, and … his hair gone.

His beautiful hair, all of it, shaved right off.

Elder Price sobbed into Elder Cunningham’s hug.

“The doctor … he said … he said I have … he-head lice (hiccup) and that I would have to … get rid of (sob) my … my hair!”

Elder McKinley was almost too dumbfounded to be jealous.


	2. Let's Hurt Elder Price Part 2

“Ow!” Elder Poptarts yelled. Something little and sharp and evil had stabbed his foot. He looked down, and found that it was a pin.

He could tell just from looking at it that it was evil. It was pink and sparkly and there was a little glittery sculpture of a saucy elephant (what does that even mean) on top of it. The glitter rubbed onto his fingers. Hooray.

Then he had an idea.

He took it to the living room and carefully placed it exactly where somebody’s foot would go when they sat on the sofa.

He smiled happily, and waited for the chaos to ensue.

 

* * *

 

  
Elder Davis happened to have a very, very bad day. First, he couldn't sleep, which had never happened before. That meant he was sleepy all day, and Elder Neeley kept yelling at him for stupid stuff like him dropping a lighted match on the carpet. So maybe it was dumb, but he was tired! He needed sleep!

He saw the couch and knew it was perfect. The cushions looked so comfy, so inviting, he could just hear them saying, “C’mon, Patrick. Pleeeeaase? Just a little nap, what harm could that do?”

He walked toward it, his eyelids already half-closed, ready to sleep.

Then something stabbed him up his foot.

He screamed some words that were definitely not appropriate, and unfortunately they reached Elder McKinley’s ears.

He gasped. “Elder Davis!”

“Gah that's not what I … um … I'm sorry?”

“You should be! We don't tolerate that kind of language here!”

Everyone milled around watching Elder McKinley turn into a volcano for the second time in a day.

“I heard yelling … everything okay?”

Elder Price walked in, eyes still red. He had a hat on, which made everyone thankful because, if they had to see Elder Price without his hair, they would have died. Again.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, it's just that Elder Davis was spitting out curses like a pro.”

“What? I've barely even seen you talk before! I want to hear this story!”

And he walked toward the couch, presumably to settle down into the comfortable cushions and listen, but we'll never know because he screamed bloody murder and fell.

Elder Poptarts facepalmed.

“WHY THE HELL IS THERE A FREAKING PIN ON THE FLOOR?”

“Elder Price!”

“I mean it wasn't as good as Elder Davis’s …”

“I'll give it a 7.”

“Decent.”

While everyone was distracted, Elder Poptarts discreetly picked the evil thing up. He stared it in its eye for a second, and then launched it toward the garbage can in the kitchen so it couldn't cause any more evil mayhem.

 

* * *

  
Thirty minutes later, Elder McKinley finally started to look more human than volcano and they all sat down for dinner.

Elder Price was famished. His stomach literally felt like it was sticking to his backbone because, obviously, crying takes work. He dug into the hot soup, not even caring that it was going to burn his tongue when-

“THE CK?!?!?!”

Everybody jumped.

“Oh my gosh if it's the pin again I swear-”

“I think I like that better than Davis’s… short and simple, ya know?”

“9.”

“I think I'll go for a 9.5.”

And that was how Elder Price ended up going to the doctor again. The doctor said, “Oh, stop crying. Just wait, I can make it better in five minutes.”

* * *

 

We don't really know what Mr. and Mrs. Price’s reaction was when they saw their son, their perfect son, back from his mission with a shaved head and a tongue piercing, and I'm not sure I want to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I got this from a tumblr post about a bald elder Price with a tongue piercing or maybe that was just a nightmare


End file.
